


Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration

by cazcatharsis



Series: OLOBA [1]
Category: Transformers (Bay Movies)
Genre: AU after TF2007, Bad Research, Bar Fight, Barricade POV, F/M, Gen, Holoforms, I'll add more tags when I figure shit out, Ignoring everything after first movie, Jazz & Mikaela friendship, Malena Banes (OFC), Mikaela POV, No Smut, Slow Build, UST, Underage Drinking, Violence, Women Being Awesome, a big huge clusterfuck, car gropage, cop hate, demolition derby, lots and lots of swearing, mustang groping, sisters are awesome
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-06
Updated: 2015-08-17
Packaged: 2018-04-13 05:30:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 19,538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4509660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cazcatharsis/pseuds/cazcatharsis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>FF summary, 'Two girls and one fine freakin' Pontiac. How does one balance everyday crisis with daily meetings with alien mechs and stay sane? Now with 27% more ninjas!'</p><p>Yeah, pretty much nothing's changed in the 7 years since I wrote this. :)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Heh.  Hi guys.  
> I wrote this back in… hell, October 07? 08? hell I can’t even remember. A good chunk of you have probably read it already either at the pit of voles or LJ, but I thought what the hell, might as well have at least ONE finished fic on A03, eh?
> 
> Thought I’d post it at the archive, with some slight editing. Don’t want to edit out what made it so fun, but there’s word use that’s been bugging the piss out of me for years...
> 
> I'll update as I finish editting chapters.  
>    
> Disclaimer: I don’t own TF or any recognizable characters, songs, movie quotes, video games or food I might mention.  I own my OFC though.  She’s my bitch.  :) 
> 
> Warning:   I cuss, I blow stuff up, and I’m blunt… and the fic is strange. Just enjoy it for the fun, and don’t take it seriously. I write for entertainment only. :D

 

 _If my calculations are correct, when this baby hits eighty-eight miles per hour ... you're gonna see some serious shit._   ~Dr. Emmett Brown

 

(1)

 

“You know what?  Kiss my _inferior human_ ass, the lot of you.” 

I gave the group one final glare before turning away and stomping down the highway.  I could walk home, I’d done it dozens of times, and quite a few of them in the past three weeks, since the battle in Mission City.  For a bunch of peace-loving sentient robots and an ex-geek turned hero, they sure knew how to piss a girl off.  Funny thing is they didn’t seem to know what the hell they did to piss me off so much.  _Must be a common male deficiency, hard wired into them no matter what the species._

For someone like me, one of the biggest crimes was to claim ownership over me.  I thought Sam knew better, having more or less asked me why I hung out with assholes like Trent who constantly claimed I was ‘his’, and the Autobots?  I recalled Prime, on more than one occasion, claim that ‘freedom was the right of all sentient beings’, but in the same breath called me and Sam ‘our humans’, and restricted our movements.  Bad thing to do to a wandering and free spirited teenager.  Sam didn’t seem to mind though, as he was used to restrictions, but I would NOT stand for it.

Then there was Ironhide’s habit of bringing down the entire species in one nasty comment… usually involving one of the words ‘inferior’, ‘primitive’, or ‘weak’… made my blood boil.

So I left for the umpteenth time that month, near shaking in affronted rage, desperate to get away from them before I said something that could potentially damage what little was left of their good will.  That, and… Sam.

Sam, Sam, Sam.

I felt like a bitch.  A shallow Bitch. 

It wasn’t that I didn’t love him anymore; we were great as a couple, never mind an odd one… for the first little while.  Then things, first small, then gradually larger, made themselves apparent to me.   First it was the whole ‘car theft’ thing back before Mission City even happened.  Sam’s reaction was understandable, but it still got to me, the, _what do you call it_ … holier than thou attitude that rolled off of Sam, up until I told him off, pointed out how very protected he was from the real world.  What hard decisions has HE ever had to make in his life?  To wear the brown shirt or the red one? Oooooooooooooh.   Life-threatening.

I scoffed and kicked a rock.

Things hadn’t gotten any better really. He was a sweet kid, but under experienced, too hyperactive, over-reactionary, and, well, much too in love with his car. Not in the ‘I want to hump you every which way possible’ kind of love, but the ‘hetero life mate’ like Jay and Silent Bob type of way, which really didn’t leave much room for paying more than passing attention to the brunette car-buff ‘evil jock concubine’.

And he chewed with his mouth open.

And he had very narrow tastes in music.

And though his mom was sweet, Sam spent way too much time sucking up, lying, and generally bending to their will instead of exerting that strong, brave, and independent attitude that guys at Sam’s age usually developed by now.  If there was anything that I admired about people it was independence and a strong will.  Sam’s simpering sometimes just drove me up the wall.  In my head I recalled his ‘Whiny Voice’:

_I gotta go my dad’s gonna kill me if I’m late for curfew oh man Bee hurry!_

The fake voice got whinier and more child-like as I stomped on:

_I’m going to be late for the big important Autobot meeting, I have to replant the flowers Prime stomped or mom will take away my computer._

I nearly laughed remembering this real life gem:

_I can’t go out tonight, I’m grounded. No I can’t just sneak out the window. Yes, even if Bee helps.  No, it’s not because I don’t want to miss Sam’s Happy Time.  You two are perverts._

I made a face and kicked the rock again, watching it soar and disappear over the edge of the drop-off.  _Shit. Now I gotta find something else to kick around…_

_Where’s that spazzy little Frenzy when I need him?_

_Decommissioned and likely has bits of his wiring used for toaster repair, hopefully._

I cackled, finding a torn up pop can and proceeded to kick that for the next quarter mile.

As the can sailed over the median I realized I’d demonized poor Sam in my mind, conveniently forgetting all the good stuff he’d done over the past three weeks, and the fun guy he was BEFORE I bothered getting to know him.  Fondly I remembered the day I got a ride home from him (in what was at the time, a piece of crap Camaro), when he outright told off Trent.  _Mazes, colouring pages, what else??? Oh yeah, pop up pictures. Stroke of fuckin’ genius there…_   I giggled remembering how Trent’s face turned red as a tomato and myself admiring Sam’s guts for spouting those insults despite being surrounded by ‘brain damaged’ jocks.  That was probably the first time the unremarkable Sam Witwicky impressed me, and he didn’t slow for a few days, coming up with more balls and guts and witty remarks than anyone I’d known for years in school, next to my own dad (who was stupid enough to get caught)…

And he wasn’t half bad looking’ either.  For a skinny guy.

_**BLAAAAAAAAAT!** _

I screamed before I could stop myself, leaping what felt like a foot in the air before spinning to confront who I pretty much knew was a either an obnoxious yellow or ‘playa’ silver Autobot…

Instead, a gunmetal grey 1973 Chevy Nova SS inched closer and closer to me, engine purring like a lion, dark tinted windows and moonless night preventing me from seeing the driver (if there even was one)…

Suddenly, a scratchy masculine voice reached me ears, and I cringed.  Not a mech… a pervert. Wonderful.

“Hey babygirl! How much for a lap dance?”

_Kill. Smash. Destroy._

“Fuck you.”  I spat.  Maybe if I asked nicely Prime would run him over…

“I’ll take that too!”   The man’s voice cracked, then overridden with a spattering of too-feminine giggles and coughs.

Realization hit me the same time the Chevy’s driver door swung open and the now expected big black boot hit the roadside gravel.  _Malena!_  I laughed and wanted to strangle her at the same time.  “You Bitch!”

“You totally fell for it!  AGAIN!”   Mischief filled eyes peered at me over the door.

Malena’s ‘truck-stop bastard’ voice ‘got’ me a grand total of 4 times this year, whether over the phone or in person, and I felt a little dumb for falling for it a fifth… and I knew Malena would never EVER let me live it down.

I nearly booted her in the shin for the trick, but hugged my giggling older sister instead.   It was good to see her.  I’d get vengeance later…

 

 

 

Our conversation consisted of mostly interrogation.

“What the fuck are you doing home?”

“What the hell are you doing on the highway at night, doofus?”

“Where’d you get this car?”

 “Could your skirt be any shorter?”

I wrung some information out of her, like she was home because she dropped her ass out of college and wanted to come back here, and she got the car out in the east.  I told her my bullshit story of fighting with my boyfriend (which was half true) and yes, my skirt COULD get shorter thankyouverymuch.

“Full story when we get home?”  She asked, casting a concerned look at me.  I nodded, relieved I’d have time to come up with more bull.  Though, I was sort of looking forward to a good mothering after months of being more or less alone.

I grabbed the ‘gonnapissmyself’ handle as my sister roared through the third red light in as many miles, badly singing along with classic Pink Floyd and grinning like a maniac. As much as I loved her, this woman was insane.  She took the familial love of cars to a whole other level, not stealing them, but driving them all like she was a demolition derby contestant. It would be a shame if she ruined this beast.

_It was only that once, you exaggerator!_

_Wait. Twice.  Remember your 15 th Birthday?_

_Then there was the time with that dude in the ‘Cuda…_

“Fuuuuuuuuuck me, look at that!”

My sister’s lust-filled purr stirred me from memories of that hulking hairy 40-something year old guy threatening to kill her for scratching his car, only to see a familiar silver Pontiac Solstice glide past us, put on the brakes, and pull up even next to us.  I glimpsed the ‘man’ in the driver’s seat, holographic face looking a little worried.  I waved with a wary smile. 

Jazz was the only one of that entire group that I could stand at the moment.  Discounting the first time I met him when he addressed Sam and I as ‘lil bitches’, he was pretty cool.  He never insulted humanity, instead revelled in it. He never made me feel inferior, instead flatterer me beyond what most guys would bother with. I could be myself around him. He was like a robotic big brother.  And hell, his car-form was tasty.   

“You know this guy?”  Malena jammed her thumb in Jazz’s direction, eyebrow quirked.  This was her sisterly way of asking “are you boning this guy?” which at any other time would have me in giggling fits.  

“Yes, I know him, and no, I’m not boning him, so don’t even ask.”  I smirked.  

Since his ‘resurrection’, Jazz’ had taken it upon himself to guard me nearly as hard as Bee guarded Sam.  Given that I could never realistically afford to drive a hot-ass piece of machinery like that, we didn’t pair up like they did, but nonetheless he was nearly always around, in the background watching, or sometimes driving me places with his hologram sitting proudly in the driver’s seat (made for difficult explanations to my friends).  He never told me why he felt he needed to guard me like this, but I had a feeling it was because I helped to bring him back. Minor repair, whatever Ratchet would allow (which wasn’t much considering he was a cautious guy), but I had a small part in it.  Maybe it was his way of showing appreciation, but I never asked. 

Boning him was not an option.

“Well if you’re not, I sure as hell will!”   Malena waggled her eyebrows.

The silver Solstice skidded out and I started laughing. 

At the next red light, my sister, in a near unfathomable show of respect for the law, actually slowed to a stop.  Jazz, after regaining control of himself, pulled up next to us again, engine revving in what I learned to interpret as hysterical laughter.  The hologram itself was just smirking like mad, nearly preening.  _Yeah, he knows he’s hot._

Making a show of it, he pulled out a cell phone and dialled, and a microsecond later mine rang. I dug through my purse, hunting for the sound of “ooooh yeah, press my buttons” in a deep Isaac Hayes-like male voice coming from my phone.  Malena snorted and turned down the music. 

“Christ, Mouse, I can roll down the windows if you wanna chat…” she muttered, exasperated at me.  

“What can I say; I’m a high tech girl.” I paused. “And don’t call me that.”

“Pfft.”  

_Siblings…_   “Light’s green.”   

She shot off so suddenly that I slammed back into my seat with a squeal, nearly dropping my phone.  Jazz’s laughter rang out from the speaker of my phone and I had to hold myself back from telling him to stuff it up his tailpipe.  Instead I pointed at Malena:  “Fuck you,” then pointed at Jazz, “and fuck you too for laughing.” 

“Y’ love me, y’know it.”  Jazz’s smooth metallic voice sang.

Looking pointedly over at the driver, I replied haughtily, “I love her too but she can still go fuck herself.”   

Malena swatted me one-handed for the remark.  “Skank.”

“Bitch.”

“Would it be redundant to ask if she’s safe?”  He asked in his ‘All Business’ voice.  _So that’s why he’s calling instead of just yelling across…_

“You could say that…” 

“Family?”

“How can you tell?” 

“Y’ talk ta each other like me an’ Bumblebee do.”    

I’d caught them tormenting each other a few times and I couldn’t help but agree. Only they added stun laser-fire and wrestling to the equation and drove Ratchet mad from repairing fried circuitry.

“…and you look alike.”

“We do NOT!”

“Do too.”  Jazz’s voice was teasing now.

“Do not!”

Malena’s gaze was shifting from me, to Jazz’s holo, to the road, to me, and back again, looking very entertained.  “You sure you’re not boning him?”

_Smack._

“I’ll leave you gals to it then.  I’ll be back at the base; Ironhide owes me a few shots of high grade. You’ll be okay til tomorrow?”  

“I’ll be fine.”  I assured him.  Goofy or not, he was protective.

“Alright, be safe.”   The line clicked and Jazz made another show of flipping his phone closed before winking slyly at my sister and making the next left.  Malena groaned and commented on the Solstice’s ‘ass’ as it disappeared. 

 

~*~*~*~*~

 

A black & white observed the entire exchange, visually and electronically, hidden in dark alleys and shadows wherever he could find them, shifting the fine points of plans already in action.  Once the protector abandoned the organics, the Mustang rolled from its cover, taking his time, considering his options. He knew where they were going. No rush.

 

*~*~*~*~*


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gettin' to know the girls...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You're still here? Cool!  
> Disclaimer: I don't own TF or any recognizable characters, songs, movie quotes, or food I might mention. I own my OFC though. She's my bitch. :)

_Burn some dust here. Eat my rubber.  
~Christmas Vacation_

  
  


**(2)**

  
  


After a quick stop at a drive through coffee joint (another of Malena's brilliant 1 AM ideas), we drove home, chatting the entire time about nothing important. Lena had a rule: _No serious talk in the car._

She got it from _the Godfather_ and the Corleone rule of _no business at the dinner table_. I went along with it cause hell, the road's for _pleasure_ , and you can't enjoy it when you're talking serious shit…

There was a tense moment when Lena spotted a pig-mobile in the rear-view, but it didn't stop us, and fell back out of view after only a few blocks. Thank goodness, cause Malena didn't exactly have a good driving record.

It was just great to be with her again. She was everything Sam and the Autobots (with the exception of Ironhide and Jazz) weren't. Caustic, rude, but goofy and surprisingly motherly and intelligent, and a stubborn streak a mile wide (which I had the fortune of inheriting through our corrupt genes). Next to Jazz, she was the only one who didn't expect some other version of me; she didn't need to be impressed.

Then again it's hard to impress a person who's seen you in diapers.

The engine cut when she pulled up in front of the house and the world turned dead silent. Neither of us moved to get out of the car, both just staring quietly at the house.

"Where's Mom?" She asked after a moment of examining the dark windows and unkempt patch of grass.

_That's what I'd like to know._ I nearly said it but… she didn't need to worry about that too. Swallowing my self pity, I lied. "Probably in Vegas."

"And she left you alone?!"

"I'm almost 18!"

She sighed. "Yeah…" the drivers side door fell open and she grabbed her backpack & purse out of the back seat, scowling.

I could never lie to her. Well, I could try, but she had a bullshit detector when it came to me and the family. Either that or she didn't trust us. Either way… she knew.

I got her inside and settled in her old room, then went to change, wondering why the hell she dropped out of college and came back _here_. If it weren't for Sam and the Autobots, I'd be faaaaaar gone after I graduated high school, and there was no way in hell I'd come back. Whatever made her do it, it had to be big.

I found my pyjamas and donned them, grinning. My favourites. The ridiculous bright yellow fleecy ones. And my Octopus slippers. One tends to forget they fought in a war and have giant metallic bodyguards from space when they're wearing octopus slippers. Absentee mothers and the occasional cockroach the size of my palm could be forgotten with the silly penguins emblazoned all over my body. I smiled at my reflection in the mirror, fingering the penguin sewn on my boob. Stupid Pyjamas.

_SNORT_

In the reflection I spotted my sister… wearing snot-green teddy bear fleecy PJ's and her gorilla slippers, hair braided into pigtails and a pair of the nerdiest horn-rimmed glasses I'd ever seen perched on her nose.

Somehow, despite all that, she managed to sound like a Pimp of the Year with a straight face.

"Well… fetch me my hot chocolate, bitch!"

I could have squeed like a fan-girl on crack. SISTER NIGHT!!

  
  


~*~*~

* * *

_Those were by far the most obnoxiously ugly coverings he'd ever seen. Ever._

_Not only were they optic-searing in their brightness, but… penguins? The Decepticon nearly reconsidered the female's intelligence in the face of such horrid wardrobe._

_He'd parked under a tree not far from the house, shaded from the street light, fully secure of his own safety. Even in such a derelict area, the inhabitants had enough respect for what his alt-form represented to keep their distance. And there was no sign of the Autobots anywhere near. Fools. They'd been cautious til tonight, leaving an opening Barricade would happily take advantage of._

_Regrettably he could do no more than reconnaissance tonight. But it was the first time he'd felt safe enough to do so, and so he'd gather what intel he could before making any aggressive actions._

_He only wished it was Frenzy out here in the bushes instead of him and his stupid holoform. The hyperactive little shit was_ made _for this. Barricade was not. Barricade just smashed things. This sneaking around being quiet thing was wearing on his patience._

  
  


_It took nearly a week to find the rest of Frenzy's head, and the last two just to re-attach it and fix the rest of the little bugger. Another couple of days and he'd have his partner online and driving him up the wall. He'd rather be tortured by the Autobot's crazed medic than admit it aloud, but he was looking forward to it._

_Until then… it was fighting with half-dead flora and trying not to just smash in and do what needed to be done…_

Waitaslagginminute… are they… drinking?

* * *

  
  


~*~*~

  
  


"Fuck girl, when I was your age, Baileys was the wussiest thing I'd drink!"

"You're a great influence." I laughed, pouring a generous stream into both our cups before settling back with a slice of pie balancing on my belly. _Oh, if Sam ever heard about my Sister Nights he'd pee his X-men boxers._

Malena sighed and thanked me as if I'd just given her high praise.

Sister Night Plan, part one: Getting over-caffeinated and/or slightly tipsy. She'd only started adding booze to the equation last Christmas, the last time she'd been home, but before that it was straight up hot chocolate.

  
  


Part two: Grilling and Bitch Session, which was merrily underway when Malena grilled me about my love life. Stretching, she grinned and asked, "So, besides Mr. Boneable in the Solstice, who else do you have chained up in your man-stable?"

I spewed my drink. "LENA!"

She giggled evilly, but didn't prod me. I ended up telling her about Mike, Stephan, Trent and Sam.

"Four since Christmas? Go Mouse!"

"Don't call me that."

The story of 'meeting Sam' (altered a little of course) got some interesting reactions. Malena hated jocks as much as Sam did, and she applauded when I told her about the Football brain damage jibe. Then she pretty much drooled over Bumblebee's 76 Camaro alt-mode, oohed and ahhhed at all the right places during the ride home, and sighed like a girl when I told her Sam's parting 'more than meets the eye' line. By the end of the story even I was smiling with the fond memory of Bee's malfunctioning radio and Sam's very bad attempts at getting me in the car. _Like to ride you home_ indeed.

"Cheesy, but sweet. So what's the problem?"

I told her. Not anything involving the giant mechs, just the Sam relevant details. She listened, sipping her spiked cocoa, nodding or cringing or outright laughing. Everything came out, my frustration, my peeves, all the little things that pissed me off about Sam and our relationship. When I finally fell silent and downed the rest of my cocoa, she spoke.

"Sounds like love to me…"

"Just how much Baileys did you drink before I got out here?" I waved at the bottle.

"Yo yo yo, hear me out..." she chugged her drink and poured us both straight shots. "He's cute." A statement of fact, not a question.

"Yeah."

"He has a nice car."

"Yeah." In all senses.

"He lets you drive it."

_You could call it that_. "Yeah."

"And despite his high-school standing of…" Air quotes. "Loser, he had the balls to stand up to that shit-stick Trent AND getting stalked afterwards?"

It wasn't a full on lie there, now was it? Stalking made a decent replacement for ‘chased by Decepticons’. "Yeah?"

She huffed and lit a smoke.

"Damn girl, you ain't givin' the kid enough credit."

"Buh?"

"You said he acts more or less like a 12 year old with diaper-rash… and he plays around with 'the guys' too much, yeah?"

Monosyllabic answers for the win! "Yeah."

"Look down."

I quirked a brow, but she just nodded. "Do it."

I did.

And I saw what she did.

A 17 year old girl in yellow Penguin pajamas and octopus slippers, eating pie at 2 in the morning. A kid getting her second taste of booze with her big adult sister. A teen that had to grow up too damned fast and too damned hard and had to take a break from being mature once in a while, if only to keep her sanity.

"Give the fuckin' kid a chance. He deserves that much."

That he did. I pouted. "You suck."

"Only when asked nicely."

Thoroughly scandalized and admittedly buzzed I threw a pillow at her. She blocked it and cackled. In the back of my mind I couldn't help but wonder how she did it. Somehow she made me feel both shamefully hollow enough to do some deep-ass thinking in the morning, AND make me laugh and blush like some Southern Belle.

"So, when do I get to meet Captain Underpants?"

  
  


Part three: Horror movies and leftover Chinese food from three days ago… and more booze.

"I'm gonna have a hangover."

"I'll take you to brunch… if you promise to keep the undigested bits off my seats."

"Gross!"

After both Death Proof (in which I laughed over the Bee-look-alike Mustang and we both drooled over the other cars) and The Decent (which was a guarantee neither of us would ever go caving), the sun was up and I was just stumbling into bed. I already had a headache and more bad images of exposed bone and cannibalism than my brain could handle… then…

"Oh yeah, press my buttons… yeah… oh… Oh!... OH YEAH!"

If there was ever a moment I wanted to psychically make someone's head explode, this was it. Seeing the number displayed on the screen doubled my desire.

"If the world isn't ending, I don't wanna hear it." click

"Oh yeah…press…"

click

"Jazz, don't make me dismantle you."

"What crawled up your exhaust?"

"A bottle of Baileys and congealed dim sum. Now go away."

Jazz chuckled. "So, no mall trips today?"

"Helllll no."

"No cruising?"

"No." Someone must have put my vocabulary on repeat sometime after Malena showed up.

"How 'bout a wash?"

"N… piss off!"

Wicked laughter poured from the speaker.

"You're gonna meet the intimate end of an acetylene torch if you don't let me sleep."

"Oooooooh, is that a promise?"

"Jaaaazzzz!" I whined, pulling a pillow over my head and sobbing into it.

"Alright alright, I'll leave you alone..."

Sweet Relief! "Thank you." Between him and my sister my hair would be grey by the end of the week.

"Only if you tell me why your sis calls you Mouse."

"No." _aaaaaand we're back to single syllable words_.

"I'll let you sleeeeeeep."

"I'll hang up."

"I'll keep callin'."

After a minute of negotiations I gave in, when he threatened to run over my lawn and honk outside my window. _Good guy my ass…_

  
  


_*~*~*~*_

* * *

_Barricade retreated back to their temporary base after the first movie. He hadn't intended to stay, but the main character was fascinatingly evil, and the car chases were worth the long streams of human female dialogue._

_He'd gotten very little actual useful information, but the outing was still worth it. Know thy enemy. And now that he felt he knew the human Mikaela Banes a whole lot better, it would be simple to twist and use the information in a way to suit his purposes._

_There was also another option he and the others had not considered before. The families. The blood ties between the targets and their close ones could also be taken advantage of. That annoying Witwicky child had a family, his creators and that rodent they called Mojo that he cared very much for. What would he sacrifice for their safe return?_

_He'd have to mention this prospect to the others…_

" _In war, the way is to avoid what is strong and to strike at what is weak."_

_The humans had a point. Strike at the weak points and even the mighty would fall._


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Moms and Guardians

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own TF or any recognizable characters, songs, movie quotes, or food I might mention. I own my OFC though

(3)

Six hours.

Only six hours of dreamless peace before multiple rude awakenings.

First, Sam called to see if I was alright, and to apologize for last night's squabble. In spite of my aching body and still-muzzy head, I listened to him, and promised to meet him and Bee later today. We hung up and my heart felt just a little bit lighter. My head on the other hand felt like someone strapped a 20 pound weight to it, so I let it sink back onto my pillow and dozed again.

The second awakening was, of course, Jazz, calling out of pure maliciousness, blasting the most loud, eardrum-piercing music he could through the speakers. I threatened to paint him orange and hung up.

Then one of mom's friends called.

Then a salesman. By then my sister was awake and furious and I had to physically restrain her from ripping the phone off the wall.

 _ring_!

The inhuman growl that erupted from Malena would have scared me but I was pretty much used to it. She rushed over, snatched up the phone and yelled, "CALL AGAIN AND I'LL BEAT YOU TO DEATH WITH YOUR OWN THIGHBONE!" then slammed the phone back on the hook and huffed.

Do not mess with the Banes family in the morning. Or… around noon. Yeah. Don't mess with the Banes around noon.

"Sis, what if that was my boss?" That would be just so typical to be called in on my day off… ooooh, or better yet, what if that was Prime? I had to hold in a snort of laughter just imagining his face…

"Even if it was, don't matter, you're mine for a while." She pointed at me, grinning despite her obvious aches.

Cool! "Screw it, not like he can fire me or anything." Which was true, I was the only competent tech they had at that shit-hole garage, and that said a lot. I walked off and slowly got changed, listening to Malena grumble and throw things in her own room.

_Oh I'd kill for a triple espresso right now…_

Twenty minutes later we were both relatively human looking and much more awake, but both dying for coffee. Malena grabbed her purse out from under the living room table and was digging through it for the keys to the car when there was another jangle of keys just outside the front door.

My stomach dropped. _Ooooooooooh shit._

The door creaked open and there stood our Mom, looking the worse for wear and barely any clothing. I don't even want to know where her shirt went. Her eyes only met mine for a second before she stumbled off towards her room, trailing the scent of old booze, nearly tripping over the edge of the couch. She skirted it with the practice of a long time drunk, and then slammed the door of her bedroom. We both heard the bedsprings protest when she landed.

The scowl on my sister would make even Ironhide quiver. Her eyes burnt holes though mom's bedroom door and the fist not holding the keys was clenched so tight her knuckles were white.

"Mikaela…" she paused only long enough to toss me her car keys, "Go start the car. I'll be out in a minute."

Full name means business…. "Lena…"

"Now."

I gave her a final long look before walking quickly out of the house.

_She didn't even acknowledge Malena. Not a nod, not a hello, and certainly not a big maternal hug and welcome home. Nothing. Is she that far gone?_

I crawled into the Nova but didn't start it, not knowing how long Malena would be in there for and residual environmentalist gleanings had me not wanting to waste gas. Rolling down both windows to get some air, I watched the house for any signs of anything. I fully expected to see the walls shake or someone to go flying out one of the windows, but for the three minutes I watched, nothing happened. I expected to hear yelling too, but nothing.

 _Maybe Malena took her out all quiet-like, like in the movies_ , I thought, and then gave myself mental shit for having that fragment of near joy at the idea. Bitch or not, she was still my mom.

"Mikki?"

I screeched hearing the voice pretty much right next to me. Jazz's hologram hopped back, hands raised, blue eyes amused. "Woah there girl, didn't mean to scare ya."

How he managed to look so damned perky this early was beyond me. _It's almost one in the afternoon, dumbass_. Nevertheless, his eyes were bright, he was smiling, hell, even his dark hair was perfect. No coffee needed.

 _He doesn't have a morning routine, the lucky shit. All he has to do is poof, appear._ I thought jealously that I should get Ratchet to make me a holo so I could walk around butt naked all day and nobody would know. Would save on morning makeup routines before rushing off to school, that's for sure.

His eyes went from amused to concern. "Hey, what's… why are you crying?"

Huh? I didn't even notice the wet trails down my cheeks til my fingers brushed them. I wiped them away and gave him a guilty smile. Oh you wussy…

He didn't believe my sudden cheerfulness for a second, frowning at me through the open window. "Did your sister do something? Shit, I knew I shouldn't have left you alone last night. Where is she, I'll fry her ass." The Solstice behind me revved loud enough for half the neighbourhood to hear.

I had to calm him down before he literally drove through the house and flattened my family. "No! It wasn't her, she didn't do anythi…"

**BAM!**

Well, it had to happen sooner or later. My gaze fell on the still shuddering wall, the one sheltering Mom's room. I couldn't tell if it was from body impact or something inanimate, but it was loud enough to get Jazz's attention away from me for just a moment.

"What in the name of Primus is going on in there?"

He just might have went in to investigate if I didn't hit him in the gut with the driver's door getting out. His surprisingly physically-accurate hologram was bent over holding his middle, looking at me accusingly. "You did that on purpose."

"'s what you get for waking me up so early." I chirped innocently, giving him a pat on the head.

"Watch the hair, bitch!" He ducked out of the way and playfully mussed mine up.

It would have been on right then and there in the middle of the street if the wall didn't shudder again. We both stopped moving and just stared.

I headed him off before he could even open his mouth. "Don't ask…"

"But…"

"Shoosh."

"Mik…"

"No."

Jazz growled and made a show of stomping back to his real form like a brat denied candy.

_Just great. He's gonna just sit there and have a giant robotic pout until I tell him what's up._

I caught up to him before his holo could fizzle out and grabbed his arm. "Don't be mad." I pleaded, putting on my 'kicked puppy' face, "It's just Malena and my Mom."

"Your mom's finally home?" The disgusted look that crossed his features would have offended me if I didn't halfway agree with him. I told him a little… a lot… about the past few months with Mom, and he was understandably pissed off with her. Sometimes I thought telling him was a mistake, but it really was nice to have someone to talk to about it. Jazz was a good listener despite his front of being a 'player-tough-guy-soldier from space'. It was him that helped me dispose of all the booze in the house, which resulted in mom's current four day bender. That probably wasn't the best idea…

 _I should have grabbed the leftover Baileys… wait, there isn't any left over_. I couldn't help but smile inside thinking that Malena had the forethought to bring her own booze. Mom drank crap anyways.

Jazz took my silence as an affirmative, and looked again at the house. "And your sister's in there… doing what?"

I shrugged. She was either: kicking mom's ass, telling her off, or getting her ass kicked by mom for delaying her nap. Or all three.

"Wanna find out?" Jazz asked, suddenly grinning.

"How?" I envisioned us both tromping through the bushes like a couple of hard up perverts and choked.

"Get in." Jazz actually fizzled out right there and I looked around the block to see if anyone might have seen it, but saw nobody.

"You're not going to drive through the house are you?" I teased, whacking his door with my butt.

" _Would you stop rubbing your body up against mine cuz I can't concentrate when you do that_."

It took me four seconds. " _Big Trouble In Little China_. Bitch." I kicked his front tire lightly.

"Damn." His engine growled but he popped his door open.

Like Bumblebee, at times Jazz liked to communicate with something other than his own voice, but instead of cheesy pop from the 80's, Jazz took from everything. Movies, music of all types, clips from speeches… everything. Mostly movies though. He thought using music was 'copying Bee' so he didn't do that as much. I started guessing where the clips were from for fun, and for three days now he'd been trying to stump me. Good thing my sister warped my mind with movies since, well, birth, otherwise Jazz'd have one more thing to gloat about.

I got comfortable in the 'drivers seat', wondering how the hell he somehow always smelled like 'new car' despite all the crap he did all day, including toting me around with smelly fast food.

"Just gimme a seconnnnnnd… aaaaaaaaand… there!"

Suddenly the sounds of the interior of my house filled the interior of my Autobot protector/very big brother.

"Slag it, wrong room… click… there."

".. _what's going on with her lately, or have you been too fuckin' drunk to notice_?"

To say I was shocked was an understatement. "WHAT THE…Jazz? How… You've been eavesdropping on me?!" I whacked his steering wheel so hard he honked.

"Heh, do that again!" I could hear the sex-fiend just oozing out of his voice.

"Oh shut up. Masochist." Damn it. I couldn't stay mad at him, not for more than three seconds. Bastard always got me either grinning or blushing like a maiden.

"I put audio sensors around the house… juuuust for security purposes." He emphasized the last part loudly to override my protest. "And no, I didn't put any in your bathroom OR your room. I'm not THAT desperate."

I almost whacked him one again, but my sister stopped me.

" _Did you even know she was out last night, walking alone down the fucking highway? No? Didn't think so."_

_"Sheza grown girl nowwww, she take care of herselfffff…"_

_"Let's hear you say that when you find her in a ditch after some asshole truckers or a bunch of drunk jocks get a hold of her."_

I couldn't say a thing, and Jazz, being who he is, knew to keep his mouth (or whatever it was in alt-mode) shut and just listen.

  
My sister sighed. " _You know what? Nevermind. We'll talk when or if you ever sober up long enough for a decent conversation. Til then, I'll see about temporarily moving Mikki in with me."_

_"My ass you will!"_

_"It's her choice, as you said she's a grown girl now. And I'll do everything in my power to encourage her to leave your ass here to rot in your booze til you smarten the fuck up. Girl has enough on her shoulders as it is. You should be taking care of her, not the other fuckin’ way around,_ " my sister practically yelled.

Jazz growled. "Amen, sista."

"Shhh."

There was the sound of creaking bedsprings and another sigh. " _Look, mom, I love you, I do… but…she's had to grow up too fucking fast… what with dad… and you… and hell, I wasn't exactly the most reliable bitch either when we were growing up… she needs some sort of stability right now. And she's not going to get it staying here. I'm not the best choice but at least I'm sticking around for a while. Long enough for her to get off to college and get the fuck out of Tranquility. She's better than this place, and better than you or me…_ "

I felt the tears this time.

" _Just… please… for both your sakes… sober up. Don’t just the chick who gave birth to her, try to be her mom. You owe her that at least._ " Another creak of bedsprings. Mom kept silent, my sister went on, her voice fading as she got farther away from the receiver Jazz had planted. " _I'm going to pack a bag for a couple days for her… we're… here… just ask for room 114, after that I'll have my own place. We'll talk then._ "

A door shut, softly instead of a slam, and a sob was heard. Jazz wisely shut off the speakers and his interior went deathly quiet.

"Mikaela?"

Mom…

"Your sister'll be out here in a minute…"

With a bag… with my stuff…

"Mouse?"

"Don't call me that." I said on auto-reply.

The AC turned on full blast suddenly and he shook my seat, jolting me immediately out of la-la land. "Sorry, but if she sees ya cryin' and she'll know we were listenin' in."

 _Shit… he's right_. Thank goodness for his logic processors. I used the rear-view mirror to wipe off the mascara trails and did my best to not look like I'd just overheard…whatever that was… I hadn't fully digested it yet.

"Thanks Jazz. I owe you a wash."

"Nah, just doin' my job."

"You're getting a wash anyway." I patted the dash.

"Mmmmm. Okay… but only if you get your sister to help. Rawr!"

"Jazz!" _Insatiable pile of rusted metal…_

"Gotcha smilin'!"

I groaned and popped his door open, getting out just in time to see my sister exit the house. She gave me a wary look, quirking an eyebrow at the car. Jazz's hologram reached out and shut the driver's side door, grinning like a lunatic. _Oh god it looks like I just got off his lap!_

"Explain THIS one away."

"Slaghead." Once again I kicked his tire, harder this time.

Malena glared at Jazz all the way down the front side-walk, around the car, the entire time she was throwing bags into the trunk (including my schoolbooks and my suitcase) then shifted her glare to me once we were both safely inside her Nova.

"Just what in the fuck were you just doing?"

"Get your mind out of the gutter, he was in the passenger seat til a minute ago."

"You sure?" Malena quirked a suspicious brow at me. "I don't have to go up there and destroy that beautiful car cause the owner's a cradle-robber, do I?"

"NO! Lena, please, he's just a friend, a very good friend. Like you but with a penis." _Did they even HAVE penises? Or… whatever? Something to add to the 'stupid shit to ask Ratchet' list._

"Oh… okay then." If there was anything my sister understood, it was friendship between males and females. Her best friend through high school was a guy and mom was always on her ass about it, even though they'd never even kissed, just tinkered with cars and blew stuff up in videogames.

She cranked it and we zoomed off together with Jazz lingering a few car-lengths behind us. He texted a minute later, asking if he could come when I met up with Sam so he could gossip with Bee. I had no problem with that and told him so.

He caught up alongside us again, revved his engine, winked at my sister again, and shot off ahead of us, disappearing around a corner four blocks down. _Exit stage right_ , I had to grin.

My sister just shook her head. "Mr. Boneable's gonna get in a wreck if he keeps driving like that."

"Like you drive any better."

That shut her up. For about four seconds.

"Mikki… we gotta talk."


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mallrats and Piggies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own shit. Don't sue me.

(4)

 

Within the hour we'd been filled with McBreakfast and found a decent drive-through coffee joint that served plain ol' black coffee AND my much desired triple espresso, and were on our way to the hotel Malena had booked for the next two days.

 

She was surprisingly gentle when we discussed her plans for me, giving me a chance to have my own input (which was a first) and making concessions to when I was allowed to run free to see my friends, go work, do homework, etc. I almost assumed she'd be all "You're comin' with me, bitch!" but no. I made a show of thinking it over for a minute while I chewed my food, but I'd already made my decision while sitting earlier in Jazz. It wasn't like I was abandoning mom or anything, it was only for a couple of days, and after that, who knows, things might change. Being out of that house for something OTHER than the end of the world via giant evil robots might shift my perspective a little more. I could barely get my homework done, sleep, work a part time job so we could eat and go to school on top of taking care of mom's near-daily hangovers and having to cover for her all the time.

 

It wasn't really, but it felt like a vacation. Two days away. Sort of.

 

Good enough. That and I got to spend a couple days at least with the sister I hadn't seen since Christmas.

 

We got settled in the hotel room, a decent sized one with two beds and a pool outside, which made me stare suspiciously at my sister for a few minutes as she unpacked her bag. I'd been expecting some shit-hole roadside hotel that charged by the hour. She can't afford a place like this! I kept my questions to myself though; she didn't look like she was in the mood yet to argue. The coffee hadn't kicked in.

 

It was her that brought up Sam, so when I told her I was meeting him around supper-time to talk, she smiled and told me to shower and get ready, then threw herself on her bed (the bitch took the one closest to the window, dammit!) and switched on the T.V.

 

"Ooooh, cable porn!" She cried with a little too much enthusiasm. I ran from the room before I could see anything… fleshy and weird, all to the sounds of my sister's cackling. "I'm just kidding, you prude!"

 

Two hours later, refreshed, properly caffeinated, and dressed for relaxation in a pair of dark jeans (which my sister insisted on, saying 'can't do a high-kick in a miniskirt') and a strategically ripped up white tank-top emblazoned with a chick holding a wrench and my 'ass-kicking boots', we headed out to her car once again, squinting our eyes against the sun.

 

Malena had her own 'shit to do' so she dropped me off in front of the mall, giving me a set of hotel room keys and a warning, "don't do anything I wouldn't do."

 

"So that leaves pretty much anything wide open, huh?"

 

She growled… "Shaddap… okay, don't do anything I wouldn't do SOBER."

 

I grinned. "Got it."

 

She peeled off in a cloud of dust and chrome, but not before yelling "See you tonight, Mouse! Home by eleven!"

 

I spent a moment wiping road-dust off my threads, cursing Malena, her car, her shoes, and that goddamn nickname.

 

"Mouse?"

 

I startled, not even hearing the now-shaking in laughter yellow Camaro and his young passenger who also happened to be my skinny-yet-cute boyfriend sneak up to park behind me. Sam withered as I glowered at him, but perked up when I gave him a welcome hug.

 

"Don't ask." I groaned, giving him one last squeeze around the waist before giving him a quick peck on the cheek, then turned to say hi to Bee.

 

"Hey gorgeous."

 

_"Well buzz buzz buzz goes the bumble bee_

_A twiddledeedledee goes a bird_

_But the sound of your little voice, darling,_

_It's the sweetest sound I've ever heard."_

 

"Quit trying to smooth-talk my girlfriend. Traitor." Sam put a possessive arm around me, but smiled to let us both know he was joking.

 

" _She's mine, she's mine, she's mine, she's mine_." Bee insisted, giving a little engine rev.

 

They'd been doing this for a few days now, ever since I gave Bee a full on wash and wax (to his very loud and visible enjoyment). Sam jokingly asked if I'd do the same for him and the game was on. Now Bee just did it to bug Sam, but it was cute all the same. The claim of ownership didn't even bug me, I knew Bee didn't mean it that way.

 

"No no, you're both wrong. You're _MINE_." I claimed, pinching Sam's ass and making him squeak, at the same time giving Bee a rather non-innocent caress on the rear end. Then without another word, turned and walked off inside the mall, grinning devilishly the entire way.

"Woah…"

 

*~*~*~*

_"The target has been relocated."_

 

_"WHAT?! Did they spot you?"_

_"I doubt it. There's a new factor, a previously unknown relation. It was the one who moved the target, not the Autobots."_

_"Fuck."_

_"You've been watching too many human movies."_

_"Shut it, tiny."_

_"We'll see how tiny I am when I remove your legs, Blackout."_

_"Will b-b-both of you shut it! I want OUT!"_

_"Not until he finishes recalibrating your motor functions. Til then, behave."_

_"M-m-m-make me, piggie."_

_"Piggie?"_

  
  


*~*~*

  
  


"That was her? In the Nova?" Sam's big brown eyes were wide and a little shocked. "We were pullin' up when she left, and I swear she said Bee had a nice ass."

 

I laughed and shook my head, "Oh yeah, that was her. She's always had a thing for 'Car-butts'."

 

" _Car butts?_ " By now he was sniggering into his fountain drink too. "At least I know where YOU get it from."

 

"Pardon?"

 

"Feelin' on Bee's ass like that… desirin' a butt other than mine…" He fluttered his lashes like an offended damsel, thrusting a dramatic hand to his forehead.

 

I scoffed in mock indignation, but played along, "I can't help it, it's the perfect shape, and hard, just how I like em…" I purred and faked a far off admiration expression.

 

"I'm telling him you said that."

 

"Don't you dare!" I threatened to chuck a fry at him and he relented.

 

We spent a couple of hours browsing through the shops, mostly scanning movies and videogames and twice, with successful use of the 'kicked puppy look', clothing shops.

 

Naturally Sam went and found the most revealing clothes he could find and held em up for inspection (once on himself just to see, making both me and the poor saleslady laugh).

 

"Sam, babe, baby pink is NOT your colour."

 

Sam took off for a minute to use the 'little boy's room' as he called it and I took the opportunity to run back to one of the stores and make a quick secret purchase, smiling the entire time. It took a chunk of my paycheck but the outcome would be soooo worth it.

 

By the time we were finished messing around my feet were absolutely killing me and I had a coffee-craving rivalling the average coke-head, so we ditched the mall and headed out to the lot where we'd left Bee, finding him sitting there next to a silver Solstice.

 

"So what are you boys gossiping about now?" I asked, patting Jazz on the hood and winking at Bee.

 

"Mech stuff." Was Jazz's evasive response as he climbed out of his own back seat, looking as innocent as can be.

 

"Uh huh." Totally unconvinced. Sam looked at Bee with a smirk, just waiting for him to crack.

 

"Yeah, umm, how to get rust off, decent waxes, tire treads, that kind of stuff."

 

"Sure." I crossed my arms and had a stare-down with Jazz… which was difficult considering he didn't have to blink and was a foot taller than me.

 

"I've been stared down by Prime, girlie, you won't win." He also crossed his arms and leaned up against… himself (which still sort of blew my brain if I over-thought it).

 

"Got you a present!"

 

That made him blink.

 

"I win." Distraction is triumphant!

 

"Damn."

 

Sam and Bee just stayed silent, watching us as I dug through my multiple bags for my present for Jazz.

 

"What'd you get me, what'd you get me?" Jazz repeated, acting so much like an over-excited kid at Christmas that I had to mess with him. It was fun to watch him change from protective older brother-slash-guardian to what Ironhide liked to call 'newly sparked little hellion' mode.

 

I looked at him with complete seriousness. "Poop."

 

"WHAT?!"

 

"A big green hat with a feather so you can look like a real pimp."

 

"…"

 

"Coal."

 

"Yup, her sister's definitely having an influence," said Bee's scratchy electronic voice.

 

Bingo! "AHA! I knew you guys were gossiping about her." I found the present nestled between my new Death Proof soundtrack and a bra.

 

"Is that…" Jazz's eyes went all wide and his engine revved. Bee's holo appeared beside us, wrestling for room to see with Sam. They'd have resorted to girly hand-smacking if I hadn't butted them with… well, my butt.

 

"It is." I grinned. It was really a gift for the lot of them, but Jazz was the most addicted to online gaming. I yanked the present out of my bag and watched three sets of eyes widen in glee.

 

"HALO 3?!"

 

Funny how the little things can end up with me on the bottom of a happy boy-pile on Jazz's hood. If only my sister could see me now.

 

"Best. Girlfriend. EVER." I got a big wet smooch on the cheek from my overly-grateful boyfriend and mentally smacked myself for ever considering breaking it off with him.

 

Giggling, I couldn't resist ribbing him. "Say that when I own your ass with my sniper."

  
  


~*~*~

_Barricade was getting bored._

_Bored was NOT good. Bored usually caused him to do something stupid. Bored made him get caught on video singing old Cybertronian bar songs while on recon (Frenzy never did let him off the hook for that one). Bored made him think about why he was in this situation in the first place. Bored… was depressing._

_It didn't help that most of what he saw all day and into the evening was the back end of a gunmetal grey Chevy Nova weaving in and out of traffic, or the outside of stores, apartment buildings, warehouses, restaurants, and the drive-through of a coffee shop three times. Barricade wondered, after doing some quick research, how one small human female consumed that much caffeine and didn't end up babbling and twitching as much as his partner did._

_The only thing that made this surveillance any fun was when the female spotted him…. And led him on a very quiet yet merry chase around town. He didn't flip on his sirens, didn't make any change in speed except to keep pace with her. She didn't actively 'run' away from him, and he didn't actively 'chase' her… but they were very aware of each other, and she did a fine job in evading him. It seemed she did not like the local law enforcement and it made Barricade curious. Most humans had a sense of trust for the police, whereas this one tried to avoid being seen by them. So while he tailed her around town he also quickly looked her up on the Internet but found very little pertinent information. Yet another instance he wished he had Frenzy around with him. The little hacker had a knack for finding the tiniest piece of information in places unreachable._

_Barricade had no clue how she did it, but he watched her turn into an alley two blocks ahead, and he sped up to catch up with her… only to find her completely gone. Even worse, he made a circuit around the block, then around a three block square area, searching for the telltale thump of the bass of her stereo system, even a hint of the paint job, and there was absolutely nothing. Even when he tuned in to the frequency of the audio sensors he'd planted all over her car the night before he was met with dead silence._

_'Slag.'_

_As luck would have it, and Barricade had enough years of experience to believe in luck, he spotted her in another car, a yellow one with a series of numbers and a logo on the side. 'Taxi' was the term the internet revealed, a coach with their own driver designated to transport humans from one place to another for a fee._

_And a convenient way for her to ditch him. Smart human. It would have worked too if he hadn't happened to glance that way and see her._

_Not wishing to lose her again he followed, but from a distance. He hoped she believed she'd left him far behind, and it worked. The 'taxi' did not speed up or make any evasive manoeuvres, just drove normally into another run down part of town where the human disembarked, handing some thin leaflets to the driver, who then drove off, leaving her there alone. Barricade nearly took this opportunity to snatch the girl and get the hell out of there, but an inner voice told him not to act rashly. He listened. The last time the voice told him to do something and he ignored it, he got his tailpipe kicked by, of all mechs, BUMBLEBEE… Blackout hadn't stopped ribbing him about that one yet._

_She scanned the street as if she was looking for something (likely himself) before straightening and walking across the dirty street to a dimly light building teeming with humans with strange hats and blue coloured pants. She looked quite out of place, yet somehow fit in. Her clothes were not the same, but her stance and the way she carried herself made the crowd seem to both welcome her into their ranks and keep their distance._

_The female disappeared inside after handing over even more of those thin green leaflets to a male twice her size but only half as intimidating, a guard if Barricade read his posture right._

_Barricade wasn't about to sit here doing nothing but watch the exterior, and he would said 'screw the mission' and left if there was anywhere go to but back to the base and his glitched out partner and even more glitched out team mate…_

_  
…so he parked closer to the building and activated his stupid holoform again. Nothing better to do… _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I wrote this after playing Halo 3 the first time. GUH. (so you can tell how long ago this was *snort*)
> 
>  
> 
> Sorry about the spacing, it keeps going wierd on me


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barfights and Killjoys

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I ran out of gas! I got a flat tire! I didn't have change for cab fare! I lost my tux at the cleaners! I locked my keys in the car! An old friend came in from out of town! Someone stole my car! There was an earthquake! A terrible flood! Locusts! IT WASN'T MY FAULT, I SWEAR TO GOD!" - Jake Blues

**(5)**

_From what he read on the internet, places like this did not welcome police, so as not to be noticed, Barricade changed his looks from the standard 'male with moustache' to something more appropriate, scanning the fleshlings still milling about outside for suitable attire. He refused to wear one of those ridiculous hats though._

_It took him ten minutes of waiting in line and damned near losing his patience for the twentieth time that day with the arrogant hirsute male fleshie stationed outside before he got in… and instantly regretted it._

_The music was terrible, twanging noises from a live musical group on-stage wearing cow hide and more of those weird looking hats, the one in the lead singing something about his truck. The air was thick with smoke from multiple cigarettes and the scent of stale alcohol, and all around him, drunken angry macho males and half dressed hat-wearing females. The floor was strewn with broken bottles and semi-conscious fleshies. If there was a place in the Pit for Barricade, he thought it would be a little like this._

_He found his target sitting at the bar with a small glass of dark brown alcohol, keeping one eye on the crowd. Feeling a little daring after a day of near-perpetual boredom, he took a seat right next to her and ordered a 'beer' when the bartender addressed him. He thanked every deity in the universe that his malfunctioning holoform was incapable of consuming anything but still physically solid. If the establishment was this dank and dirty, he could only imagine what their beverages were like_

_Up close she looked very similar to the Autobot ally Mikaela Banes, but older, a little taller, and much more worn. The younger Banes was still rounded, soft, youthful. This one had more sharpness to her. When she glanced at him he saw her eyes were a different colour, where the younger's were a mix of blue and green, the elders were brown. But that's where the physical differences ended._

_Not that it pertained in any way to the mission, but it was interesting to observe familial traits manifest themselves in offspring. Cybertronian sparklings did not share physical traits with their creators unless the creators themselves designed them that way. But that was a conscious decision, not a process of genetics like it was with the organics._

_He was so busy speculating on the vagaries of human genetics that he hadn't noticed that the target's attention was on him until she cleared her throat. He must have been staring quite intensely at the side of her head for a few solid minutes and mentally berated himself for the mistake._

" _You got something you want to say to me?" She sneered, staring Barricade right in the eye, challenging him. In any other situation he'd take the puny female up on that challenge, whatever it was, but he was supposed to be laying low, observing, not actively confronting the target yet, so he backed down. Utilizing his rarely used voice he replied in the negative and pretended to turn his attention back to his beer. Satisfied, she turned away and focused back on the crowd._

_They remained that way for a few more minutes, Barricade simultaneously watching her write on a pad of paper and the keeping an eye on his surroundings. Finally a loud noise caught both of their attentions and the Decepticon watched, fascinated, as the first human bar fight he'd ever laid optics on happened less than twenty feet away._

_The female next to him spun all the way around on her stool to watch, so he did the same, and went back and forth from observing her reactions (which ranged from amused to chagrined) to watching the fight itself._

_It was hilarious._

_Four large males were brutally pounding on a thinner light-haired male, using everything from beer bottles to bar stools. Barricade was astounded when the little male took every hit and still had the strength to fight back, and rather effectively as well. He'd take the broken bits of table and smack his attackers with them. When he was knocked to the floor he'd take out the opponent's legs. He used every single part of his body to fight, and he might just have turned out the winner if one of his four attackers hadn't restrained his arms._

" _Shit."_

_The female moved quickly. In a second she had shed her coat and jumped into the miniature battle, and Barricade was frozen watching her one by one disable the other attackers by either hitting them in the head with pool cues, beer bottles or chair legs, then went to face the last one. He could have laughed when the restrained human grinned and tried nod a hello. This reminded him so much of the old days when he'd have to save mouthy cadets from getting offlined by mechs much bigger and much more drunk than they… same guilty-yet-still-having-fun look._

" _Hammond, what the fuck'd you do this time?"_

" _Nothing!"_

" _Uh huh, and I'm the reincarnation of the Virgin Mary…" The female sighed irritably, ignoring the growing crowd surrounding her; including two of the three males she had knocked offline. "We have to talk."_

" _I'm a little busy at the moment, Banes."_

_The fourth attacker, wearing a black hat and bearing a moustache similar to his old hologram, looked bewildered and very impatient. "Someone shut this bitch up!"_

_Barricade watched the female's temperature rise and the male she'd called 'Hammond' smirk. "Oh, you're in for it now, fuckface."_

_In three seconds flat the area exploded into another battle, this time more than thirty people were in on it, Barricade included only because some drunken male accidentally missed his intended target and struck him in the cheek instead. That called for retaliation._

' _Now THIS is fun!' the holographic Decepticon thought gleefully as he lifted one human right off the floor above his head and slammed him into another two that were about to hit Banes (wait…when had he changed her name from Fleshie to Banes?) with a tabletop. She gave him a nod in thanks and jumped back into the fray, attacking the males surrounding her friend. He did not care if the female got hurt, but it_ would _delay any information gathering… and he had to admit, it was fun to throw these insects around and not get immediately attacked by Autobots._

" _COPS!" Someone yelled, and instantly everyone in the bar scattered, making quick grabs for jackets and bags, some ridiculously taking a moment to down their drinks before running for the exits. Not wanting to be singled out, Barricade did the same, following Banes and the blonde male out of the bar and onto the street._

_A pack of ten, including himself, Banes, Hammond and some of the other fighters ran or stumbled down the nearest back alley, mostly laughing and congratulating each other on a fight well done. Even Barricade found he enjoyed the fight, the first real one in a month, and didn't even mind when one drunken fleshie pounded his back and stated he 'kicked some serious cowboy ass'._

_Once their little pack dispersed, he slowly followed his target down another alley, shifting back to his Moustached Cop holoform so he wouldn't be delayed, and tried to rein in the rush he still had from tossing the drunk humans around, at the same time, driving his real form closer so his hologram didn't fizzle out from being too far out of range. He'd be exhausted and in serious need of a long recharge after this, but he had to admit it to himself, the fight alone made all the trouble worth it._

_Half a mile away from the bar, the two stopped, panting and still laughing, arms around each other's shoulders and leaned against a brick wall. Barricade let his holoform disappear and just drove closer, using his audio sensors to pick up the conversation._

"… _owe you…"_

" _Fucking rights you do… this was a new shirt… and how am I going to explain a black eye to my baby sister?"_

" _Ummmmm…"_

" _Not even in town two days and I already have to pull your ass out of the grinder."_

" _I had to meet a contact!"_

_The target made a strange snorting sound. "Figures. Look Hammond, I need a couple of favours."_

" _Name em girlie."_

" _I need a job." She paused for a moment. "A legit one."_

_Interesting._

" _Oh. Hmmmm…There's a few places looking, I'll ask around and contact you. Next?"_

_The female stumbled over her words for a minute._

" _Spit it out, would ya?"_

" _Fine…" She paused again. "No bullshit. You work downtown, you see everything, and for what you don't know, you know someone who does. This is important to me."_

" _Fucksakes woman, what is it?"_

" _I need to know everything about what happened in Mission City three weeks ago."_

" _The fake shit they put on the news, or the real deal?"_

" _What do you think?"_

_So she doesn't know about us… and if she didn't, maybe the other families didn't either…_

" _That's a tall order, Banes."_

" _Is that a no?"_

_A moment of hesitation, then, "Didn't say that. Gimme a few days and I'll see what info I can gather."_

" _Thanks."_

" _Anything else?"_

_She laughed, "A ride to my car? I had to ditch it on the other side of town, some pig was tailing me."_

 

*~*~*~*

 

 

After spending another two hours with the boys, talking video game tactics and arguing with Jazz over which was the better vengeance movie, Kill Bill or Mad Max, I bade Sam and Bee good evening and Jazz offered me a ride back to the hotel. I felt bad for the two of them, being more or less stuck in alt-mode all day, unable to transform and stretch their legs, but they seemed to take it all in stride, Bee saying "I don't mind, at least this way I can get you looking at my butt."

Sam beat a hasty retreat into Bee's interior before I could lay my hands on him.

"Speaking of vengeance, watch your back Ladiesman." I growled, watching the yellow Camaro shoot away down the street and already plotting a way to get back at the skinny little…

"So…" Jazz interrupted my scheming, "You wanna go back to the hotel or…" He left it open.

Which meant he wanted something.

"Up to you big guy, as long as I'm back by 11."

Jazz popped his door open and I slid in the driver's seat, smiling. Sometimes I had trouble getting my mind around being friends with giant mechanical aliens, but all the same I was glad it happened. Might have screwed my life up a little but it was all worth it when I got to relax in the warm leather seats of my friend who was also a sexy-ass Solstice with a thing for kung fu movies.

Aaaaaaaand that just sounded weird.

_Meh._

We cruised aimlessly around town for awhile saying absolutely nothing, just enjoying the feel of the road. It was peaceful. I was content to sit there, pretending to drive but really staring out the window at the passing street lights, and listen to relaxing music (that suspiciously sounded like Enigma) coming from Jazz's speakers. It wouldn't last much longer, I knew Jazz had something on his mind and it'd take him time to work up the nerve to say it. So I just kept my mouth shut and snuggled deeper into the seat.

It took him a full circuit around the city to finally start talking, and by then I was nearly asleep from the gentle roll and mind-settling music. The past couple of days had been physically and emotionally exhausting, and, well, add on only six hours of sleep AND a hangover? Yeah.

Jazz's sudden question jolted me out of my daze.

"Ya not mad at us anymore?"

"Hmmm?"

"You. Not pissed off." He said slowly, amused that it took me so long to wake up. "I seem to remember someone telling us to kiss her ass last night."

"Oh…"  _Prime's face was priceless._  "Yeah…"

"And?"

 _Groan._  "And what? You guys pissed me off."

"No shit."

"So?" If he expected an apology he was in for a long-ass wait.

"What? I'm just sayin'… last night ya looked like you'd rip us all a new exhaust port, today yer all sunshine and presents."

I didn't have the strength to get all pissy again, but if he wanted to play it like this, that was fine by me. "Well hey, if you don't want Halo I'll..."

"NO!"

 _Hah!_ "Then quit being a penis and get to the point… or kiss my ass." I smirked, poking the dash.

"Later. So yer not pissed off anymore?"

I thought a moment… Honestly? "No, not pissed. Just mildly annoyed, but feeling better."

"Hormones?"

"What?!"

"Don't you females go through hormonal mood swings once a month?"

"NO! Well, yes… but that's not it! Men. What is it with you blaming PMS whenever we get validly angry?"

" _Prime to Jazz."_

The communication interrupted anything Jazz had to say in rebuttal. ' _You lucky…'_  I crossed my arms and huffed, glaring at Jazz's steering wheel as if I could melt it with my mind.

"I have a feeling Captain Killjoy just saved my ass." Jazz mumbled.

" _I heard that."_


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Revenge of the Bunny

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I still don't own anything but Malena.
> 
> More plotless fun. I know, this thing starts off slow, but it does get more action oriented sooner or later. What fascinates me about this whole Universe is the underlying stuff. In movies, you see shit get blown up and all is right with the world. What I like is how the 'alien' interacts with the 'normal', or vice versa, and how they blend, who adopts what, how ideas cross… and some of the silly shit that can and would happen. I like the little stuff, cause shit, that's what makes life interesting.
> 
> Enough nonsensical ranting. On with the brainspew!
> 
> (wish i could do that old school Autobot symbol flippy to Decepticon symbol thing like in the cartoons when I change POVs haha)

 

" _Well, get in and I'll let you feel it... I mean, you know, you can touch it... uh... I'll let you feel the upholstery..." American Graphiti_

 

**(6)**

 

Jazz hastily drove away after dropping me off back at the hotel, anxious to get back to the base but also a little afraid of Prime's retribution for calling him Captain Killjoy (a moniker that I knew was going to stick). He hadn't gotten to what he really wanted to talk about while we cruised, but in a way I was thankful. If it had gotten much worse than his 'female hormone' assumptions I just might have purposely done something nasty to his interior.

The call from Prime worried me though. He'd not called Jazz back like that since he came back online, and his tone held a concealed hint of anxiousness that made me distinctly wary. Jazz assured me it was probably nothing; another 'sighting' that had to be checked out, but still, I worried for him. He wasn't in top form yet, and Ratchet said that he wasn't to engage in ANY fights whatsoever til all the kinks were worked out. If something big happened…

My sister still wasn't back yet from whatever the hell she had to do, so I took the alone time to take a nice long bath and relax. And think.

Why wasn't I still mad at those guys?

Jazz was easy. He was my friend, more so than any of the others, including Bee. I could never stay mad at him. And really, he didn't say or do anything to piss me off last night. It was the others.

So why…

Malena helped, that's for sure. Not so much with advice but just having someone there to bitch to made things easier. It was freeing, knowing whatever I said to her would be kept private and had NO way of getting back to the Autobots. Spewing my anger helped relieve it.

And really, this morning was bad enough that anything said and done last night felt trivial in comparison. I'd take robots with superiority complexes and immature boyfriends happily over a drunk mother any day.

 

Half an hour later, Malena still wasn't back and I'd finished my Calculus homework. Homework on a Saturday night? Ugh. My new-found geekery astounded me. Well, at least it was over with and I could spend the rest of the weekend messing around with my sister and my boyfriend. Maybe we could play Halo tomorrow?

It was midnight before the roar of a now-familiar engine sounded outside. I restrained myself from hopping off my bed to go greet her, feeling more or less like a little kid for it. But when she stumbled in the door looking like she'd been rolled by a gang of sewer-dwelling hobos I near shot off the bed to get to her.

I sort of wished I had scanners like Ratchet while I looked over her injuries, which included a black eye, torn shirt, and a cut on one arm, and that was only the visible ones. "What the fuck happened to you?!" I winced when my voice squeaked from the strain.

"Woah, woah, get offa me! I'm fine!" She laughed, grabbing me by my forearms and pushing me back a little. I could have screamed, she was taking this too damned lightly.

"Fine my ass!" I slugged her in the shoulder.

"I'm sure Sam thinks so."

That one threw me for a loop. I went limp in her grasp and a giggle escaped.  _How the hell does she do that?_  "Oh shut up!"

"Make me." She paused. "Nix that. Don't. I don't think I can take ya right now." She dropped a previously unnoticed bag of take out on the table between our beds.

_Mmmm, food_. I dug through without asking and pulled out the first thing, a triple cheeseburger.  _Oh, to hell with my diet._  "Damn straight. You look like shit."

"Why thank you dear sister, I feel so much better." Malena flopped on her bed and groaned.

"What the fuck happened?" I asked between mouthfuls.

"Aliens abducted me. You know, the usual. Anal probe, bondage, lots of mating, got a little rough."

It almost didn't occur to me that she was messing with me, what with my best friend being an alien and all. Suddenly I was accosted with the image of Barricade doing an anal probe and felt a wee bit nauseous. They never did find him after Mission City…

_shudder_

She took my sudden silence seriously. "Just fuckin' kidding, Mouse!"

I snapped out of it. Of course she was.  _Umm…_  "Hey, with YOU, ya never know. Your ass is well known by earthlings and Martians alike."

My sister's dirty look told me it worked.  _I'd like to thank the Academy for bestowing this award on my lyin' ass…_

Before I could interrogate her further, she side-tracked me with 'how was your day' stuff. I told her about meeting up with Sam and 'the boys', smiling when I told her about the Happy Boy Pile I got when I gave them Halo 3, and assured her that I finished my homework. She waved that off and got me to tell her details about the boy-pile.

"Lena, seriously, you gotta get laid."

"My Martian-loved ass couldn't take it right now."

*~*~*

 

" _What happened to you?" was the first thing asked when Barricade appeared back at the base. He was worn out, exhausted, and a little bitchy from lack of refuel and recharge, but also satisfied with the day's work AND the chance to get into a fight. The past month of sitting around waiting and self-repairing, and, though he'd never admit it aloud, worrying about his partner, had taken a toll on him and the night out fighting and doing at least_ something _productive made him feel a whole lot better about life. He practically swaggered into the base, pleased that he had some news to report. No more being useless, invalid, bored…_

_Blackout was sitting cross-legged on the floor tinkering with something, looking dirty and impatient and still missing a few bits of armour, but he stared incredulously at the black and white Mech like he'd just devoted his undying Spark to him. Frenzy was nowhere to be seen, but that didn't mean much. The little slagger was small enough to hide pretty much anywhere and moved like the wind._

_Barricade shrugged. "Got in a bar-fight."_

" _What? No, I mean that!" Blackout pointed at left arm._

_He had to twist his arm bizarrely to get a look at whatever the glitched-out bastard was smirking at, and immediately froze in horror and rage._

_Some…. Some HUMAN… had spray-painted a bright pink pig just above the 'POLICE' decal on his armour! Barricade sputtered wild curses in Cybertronian while Blackout sat there chuckling. "They got your other arm too…"_

_Mortified, he checked his other arm and stopped, infuriated. 'Run Piggy Run?'_

_When had they done this to him? Why hadn't he noticed this earlier? Frantically he checked the rest of his body for further desecrations and ran self-diagnosis scans for sensor errors but didn't find any, which only confused him more. In any case, Barricade swore on the burnt out husk of Cybertron that the ones who did this to him would be hunted down and reduced to gooey red chunks by the end of the night._

_The stream of vulgarity only went up another four notches when Frenzy came in and fell over in the middle of a high-pitched cackling fit. "They g-g-got you good, Cadecade!"_

" _Get slagged." He yelled behind him, tromping back outside to find something so he could scrub this crap off. He couldn't even be happy his partner was up and running around, he was so slaggin' pissed._

" _Report your findings when you get cleaned up, Piggie!"_

_Barricade just roared._

 

_*~*~*_

 

 

I awoke to someone shaking my shoulder, hard.

"Mikki. Mikki? … MOUSE!"

"Wuhdefuck… Lena?" My blurry gaze fell on my maniacally grinning sister.

She tore the blanket off me and I stiffened. Goddamn was it cold in here! In a flash she disappeared into the bathroom only to come out a minute later with one of the fuzzy hotel house-coats slung over an arm. "Here, put this on." Then she disappeared back into the bathroom again, leaving me to ooze out of bed, wrapping the robe around myself tight against the chill.

"Whas goin' on?" I slurred, shambling towards the bathroom, eyes squinted against the light streaming from the bare lightbulb. Lena near ran me over in her haste to get out of the small room, tying her hair back with an elastic band, mumbling something about coffee. There was a sense of urgency around her, but… she was smiling still. "Is there a fire?"

She scoffed. "No. There's a Hummer H3 outside. Midnight Blue."

My eyes widened in understanding.  _Ooooooooooooooh…_  Then…  _Oh. Shit._ Then a similar maniacal grin crossed my face as well. My sister echoed it. "You awake now, bitch?"

"Hell yeah. Let's get him."

_Operation:_   _Revenge of the Bunny_  was on.

 

 

 

 

 

 

We didn't hear the shrieking until near ten in the morning, but it was worth the sudden wakeup. Immediately we both leapt out of bed, wide awake and giggling, clutching our respective cameras. We flung the front curtains open and quietly rolled the window open enough for us to stick our cameras out and get a good angle, then SNAP. Malena's camera had a video option and great zoom, and she recorded the entire thing in total devious joy.

We watched from a good 50 feet away as Trent sobbed, circling his baby, his darling, his Hummer, taking in the 'damage'.

It took damn near two hours last night to accomplish and properly document. But very much worth it.

My sister's favourite had to have been painting "My Other Ride is Your Cock" in very large white letters between the tail-lights.

Mine had to be the painting of bunnies all over the windows with superglue and pink sparkles. Where Malena got that stuff from, I didn't ask.  She probably kept a stash of all kinds of shit in her trunk.

Operation: Revenge of the Bunny also included detachment of left rear tire, careful deflation, insertion of 2 quarters, patch, re-inflation, and reattachment. Resulting damage would be seen in a few days. That one took the most time but would be the most satisfying when Trent discovered it. The tire would be in shreds.

Less damaging but still fun was the near invisible red-hot pepper sauce poured on all door-handles, and the one I couldn't wait to see the result of, the remaining pink sparkles carefully poured into the air intake vents below the wind-shield… he'd never get those out of the upholstery once he turned on the air conditioning...

When Trent's new cave-woman girlfriend came running into view only to witness a wailing jock and a defiled Hummer, we got her high-pitched temper tantrum all on camera, glad we were indoors, under-cover (sort of) and had free hands to keep our howls of laughter in.

Then, to top it all off, a bright yellow 2008 Concept Camaro and a hot-as-hell Silver Pontiac Solstice came shooting down the street, suddenly slamming on their brakes and skidding to a precarious halt not ten feet away from where we were both hiding. The driver's door of the Camaro blew open and the passenger tumbled out, gasping for breathe and bright red from strain. The other doors opened as well and out came two holographic Autobots, both looking near tears, shoulders shaking from restrained laughter.

My sister stuck her head out the window and harshly whispered loud enough for them to hear. "Move over! You're blockin' our view!"

Sam and Bee quickly ducked and scooted to the side, but Malena waved them over. "You must be Sam. Good to meet ya. Get in here."

I grinned and reached over to unlock the door, and the three guys practically fell into the room, weak from silent laughter. I hugged my hysterical boyfriend and gave the other two a big cheesy grin, then went back to taking snapshots out the window.

Jazz had absolutely NO clue who our victim was, but he still had this quivering smirk on his face. I'd told him about Trent and his stupid truck but not what he looked like or what make & model his truck was. Sam and Bee naturally knew the facts, and Sam especially would appreciate the attack. And he did, if the repetition of "Best girlfriend ever!" said anything.

"Shhh, Shhh! He's getting in!" Malena silenced us, signing for us all to get closer. In seconds, five heads were stuffed in the open window, two with advanced optics strong enough to zoom in even better than our cameras and infiltrate the sunlit wind-shield. I made a mental note to ask Jazz and Bee if they could take snapshots, and if so, did they get any…

All five of us heard Trent's faded scream when he started the truck and was swiftly engulfed in a cloud of pink sparkles.

Malena dropped from her perch and crawled away, laughing too hard to say anything, merely handing me her camera. I stuck it back out the window and made sure it was still recording, glad that she moved because both cars parked outside were now shaking as badly as their holographic representations.

Ten minutes later, Trent and his newly dubbed "Cock-rider" Hummer were long gone and the five of us were splayed out in varied positions on the floor, pouring over video and what snapshots I could capture with my cell phone camera. Jazz and Malena took to each other quickly, her falling for his flirtatious nature and him glued to her side to see the video evidence of our night-time sabotage. She didn't even call him Mr. Boneable and accepted that we all called him Jazz without question. Bee of course pulled his 'I'm so sweet I must be butterscotch' routine and had Malena eating out of his hand within 20 seconds, and Sam only got called Captain Underpants once.

After the laughter died down enough for me to pick myself off my worn out boyfriend's chest, the boys told us they'd originally come by to surprise us by buying us breakfast. I gave Malena my best 'kicked puppy' look to which she only rolled her eyes and said "Oh cut that out, Mouse, of course you can go."

Jazz, the smoothy, slid to her side again, wrapped an arm around her waist (normally a suicidal move), exasperatedly stating "Oh, hell no, you're comin' too!", then pushed her lightly towards the bathroom so she could get changed. I was shocked to say the least. Malena never, and I mean NEVER, took guys schmoozing on her like that lightly. On any other occasion, Jazz would be flattened.

_I should get her defiling other people's property more often; it puts her in such an accommodating mood!_

Nevertheless, I couldn't let Jazz think he could get away with it, so I smacked him in the chest and told him to quit hitting on her.

In response he made sure to invite her to ride with him, mention how sexy women with battle wounds were, opened the door for her, and blatantly smirked at me as he peeled out of the hotel parking lot.

_Oh, you're soooo next on the hit-list, you smart-ass._

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And before I get pounded by Trent-sympathizers, I'm with you. He's more than a two dimensional character, blah blah, I agree. BUT, its guys like him that made my childhood miserable and in my fantasy world, people like him get their comeuppance. LOL. That, and I hate hummers unless they're military.
> 
>  
> 
> Considering this was written, what, 7 years ago, and I'm still getting Kudos, thank you guys! *hug* It was so much fun to write and I'm hoping that I can get the damned sequel done.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Breakfast of Champions

"Y'know one of the most beautiful things about a car? If it isn't working properly, you can strip the skin off, expose the insides, find out exactly where the trouble is, take out the faulty part and replace it with a new one. If only we could do that with people!" Grand Prix

 

 

 

**(7)**

 

I never thought I'd be sitting in a truck-stop diner munching on runny eggs and toast, seated across from two Autobots and my sister (who was happily sandwiched between them), talking with my boyfriend about the merits of good warm socks. I could almost hear the Twilight Zone music playing in the background.

"It's Nevada! We don't need socks." Sam stated adamantly, trying and failing miserably to impale his burnt bacon with a fork.

"It's fuckin' cold here at night. We lose most of our body heat through our feet, hands and head." Argued Malena, sipping on her fourth cup of coffee in the last half hour.

Bee, ever silent, just sat there glancing back and forth between his charge and my sister, enamoured with the conversation. His vocal processors had been significantly healed when he came in contact with the Allspark, but Bee claimed it hurt sometimes to use his voice and so didn't talk much, preferring to use the radio. Since he couldn't exactly do that in here, in public, and without scaring the shit out of my clueless sister, he kept his mouth shut. 

On the other hand, I couldn't shut up Jazz with an entire roll of duct tape and a mallet to the head even if I wanted to.

"Ya mean to tell me ya ain't wearin' socks with them shoes, Sammy?"

I shuddered. "Remind me to carry air freshener in my purse from now on."

My sister perked up before Sam could defend himself. "Or just wear a Haz-Mat suit…"

"Oh come on…"

"Wonder how many mini-civilizations achieved flight yet in the stuff growing between his toes…?"

My sister snorted her coffee and Jazz casually handed her a napkin. Bee and I tried not to laugh but… not happening. Sam just crossed his arms and pouted. "Screw all of you."

Still giggling I one-arm hugged my glowering boyfriend and stabbed his bacon for him. He grumbled a thank you and gave Bee the finger, which was promptly returned.

"Bee!" I kicked him under the table and his blue eyes practically sparkled with amusement.

"Sam did it too, Mouse." Jazz pointed out. Malena laughed at the use of the Evil Nickname from Hell, so while I glared at them both I smacked Sam upside the head.

"Bad."

That's when all hell broke loose and Bee started a kicking match under the table, getting me pretty hard for hitting his charge, then he got a kick from Lena, who got a kick from Sam… Jazz shrugged and kicked everyone.

The waiting staff didn't come near us for a while.

The conversation took a turn for the worse when Malena started asking the boys about themselves. I wasn't worried about the Autobots, not at all. Since Bee barely said anything she left him mostly alone, and Jazz could lie his big feet off, no problem (well, a little problem. Prime disapproved… but he wasn't here right now, was he?) No, they'd be fine. What worried me was Sam. I hoped with all my heart and soul that Malena would go easy on Sam … she liked to interrogate, and Sam was a terrible liar. She'd eat him alive.

She started with the standard questions and Jazz did a bang-up job of bullshitting his way through it. I hadn't had the chance to tell him the story I told Malena, but he danced his way around it. Apparently she already interrogated him in the car, and he said I saved him from death, a car accident that "almost ripped me in half". I envied his creativity, and was warmed by the look of gratitude he threw my way when he repeated what he told her. Malena caught it and from the look on her face, misinterpreted it completely.

She got blunt.

"Hey, don't take offence to this or anything…"

She paused for a second, turning full on to Jazz, who had this casual smirk on his face. "I don't offend easily." He assured. My sister nodded.

"Okay good. I'm just wondering what the hell two guys like you," she waved back towards Bee, who perked up and tuned in, "are doing hanging around a couple of kids like Mikki and Sam?"

"Like us?" Jazz quirked a brow and I had to congratulate him silently on his expertise with holographic expressions.

"Kids?" Protested Sam, but I shooshed him before he could get himself roasted for interrupting.

"Come on, you two are more MY age… what could you possibly have in common with a couple of high-schoolers? Sure Mikaela helped you and all, but hanging out with her afterwards is a tad… weird."

Jazz's response was instantaneous. "Cars."

"Cars." She dead-panned.

"We got a mutual love of machinery and things that go vroom." His eyes flicked to the two 'cars' sitting innocently just outside our window.

She nodded, still unsatisfied but she got her question answered. "Hmmm…"

"Don't believe me?" Somehow Jazz managed to sound hurt.

"Didn't say that… just…" Malena huffed. "Fuck it. You two seem like good guys, and although you're obviously hiding something from me, everyone's entitled to their secrets. I trust Mikki's instincts, but I wouldn't be much of a sister if I wasn't over-protective. So I'll say this: if you touch her, if you hurt her in any way… I'll kill you."

She then spun around and looked at Bee. "That goes for you too, blondie." Bumblebee could do nothing but get wide-eyed and nod a lot.

I was utterly mortified.  _She thinks they're perverts!_ "Malena! Geez…"

She turned back to Jazz when he chuckled. "I like her!" He said to me, grinning widely.

He then put down his coffee and, quick as a snake, grabbed both of Malena's hands gently in his and looked her dead in the eye. "Mikaela saved my life, Bee 'n Sam are my best friends.  _No_  harm will come to any of them if I have anything to say about it."

I'd never heard Jazz talk like that, ever. His already baritone voice had gone down a tone or two, and there was such a sense of  _earnestness_  in what he said that anyone sane would believe him in an instant. Me and Sam watched close, and I was just waiting for Malena (who wasn't exactly sane) to say something nasty, or wrench her hands free, something… but she just sat there and looked deeply into his eyes, as if searching for something that would tell her if he was bullshitting or not. Whatever she found seemed to do the trick, and she gave a small nod and an approving smile of her own.

"Good. Cause I'd hate to ruin that pretty face of yours." She gave him a pat on his slightly stubbled cheek and a silly grin just for spice.

_And the award for Colossal Mood-swing of the year goes to…_

Jazz picked up on her lightened tone and grinned broadly. "Girl, if something bad happened t' Sam or th' Mouse I'll hand ya a crowbar myself n' say 'have at it'."

Bee surprised us all by speaking up, "Me too."

I had to laugh; the image of Malena chasing Jazz and Bee in Mech form around the diner parking lot with a crowbar raised above her head was just too much.

Tension effectively broken, we got back to finishing our breakfast and much more frivolous conversation, in which Jazz turned the tables and questioned Malena. Fortunately (or unfortunately?) his questions were a little more risqué. By the time our pie and coffee-refills finally came, the boys had learned that she had four tattoos, two of them she wouldn't show to them (which piqued both Sam and Jazz's interest), knew how to knit, was single, and had crashed a grand total of 6 cars (two by accident, four on purpose). Bee looked afraid.

"So what made you come back here?" Sam asked, using his fork to draw a sort of tic-tac-toe design in his ice cream. Bee stuck a finger in it, and an impromptu game broke out after Sam mumbled something about 'Bee cooties'. Sam naturally lost while my sister answered his question.

"Got sick of college, dropped out." She shrugged. "Missed the family."

"Yeah, I've been meaning to ask you that myself."

She gave me a blank look, "Mik, you been in school system as long as I have and you'd strangle a bus fulla nuns just to get away." She brutally stabbed her cherry pie and took a mouthful.

"What about your Doctorate?"

"Fuck my Doctorate. I lost interest." She didn't look me in the eye and I could tell she was lying. But before I could pursue it Jazz interrupted with more questions.

"What were you studying?"

"Cultural Anthropology."

Another big grin from Jazz. The dude sucked up culture like a sponge sucked up spilled Kool-Aid. They quickly broke out into a discussion of American culture versus world-wide, similarities, differences, slang, everything, leaving the three of us behind and thoroughly confused (except Bee, but he chatted with us anyways. Well, sort of. More like grunted once in a while).

Sam seemed content, one hand on my thigh and the other twirling his fork like a cheerleader and her baton. If it weren't for my wanting to bust in the middle of Jazz and Malena so obviously being over-cozy, I'd have enjoyed the attention. I just then noticed something… Malena'd not questioned Sam at all. Not one embarrassing prod, not a head-fucker, nothing. It made me a wee bit suspicious and a whole lot grateful that she trusted him this far. Maybe it was cause Sam pretty much wore his heart on his sleeve, and looked like an over-caffeinated angel…  _or maybe she's just paying wayyyyy too much attention to 'Mr. Boneable'…_

A persistent beep sounded from Malena's purse and she dug through mid-sentence to get her cell, looked at it, said "Fuck." and dropped it back in. "Be right back."

She shuffled Jazz off the bench and disappeared near the bathrooms to use her phone in private. Jazz slid back in watching her go.

"Jazz."

He totally ignored me.

"Jazz? JAZZ!"

"Hmmm?"

I gave him a stern frown. "Quit mackin' on my sister."

"I ain't mackin' her!"

Sam intervened. "You totally are. It's hilarious. Keep going!"

My fierce look turned to Sam. " _You're_  not helping."

Bee giggled. All three boys got death-glares.

Malena came back but waved off Jazz's offer to move again. "Nah, I'm out in a minute. Here, I got breakfast." She dug through her purse for her wallet but Jazz stopped her.

"We got this, remember?" Sam and Bee both nodded as well.

She gave them a distracted smile and leaned over the table, kissing my forehead. "Take care, I'll see you later. You three, it was good to meet you. Party at my place in a few days, bring your own booze."

And like that she was out of the restaurant and running to a rusted blue truck that was just pulling up. She didn't smile or wave goodbye, just disappeared down the street and was gone in less than a minute.

"Who the hell was that?" Jazz asked, absolutely befuddled, but with…something… in his eyes I couldn't quite identify.

I couldn't answer him though so I shrugged. I was used to her up and running off like that, though she usually gave more warning.

Bee sniggered and whispered something in staticy Cybertronian, earning him a good hard slug to the arm.

"I am not!" Jazz growled.

Bee obviously didn't believe him, saying something that was very heavily laced in gleeful sarcasm. Sam and I jumped when we heard a loud bang, and looked out the window only to see Jazz's passenger door swing shut and Bee rocking in place with a small dent in one of his side panels.

"Did you just hit  _Bee_  with a  _door?!_ "

 

*~*~*

 

' _Slagging Pit-spawned little shit. Not even fully functional a day and he's already up my tailpipe about something…'_

_Barricade sat on the base's cold cement floor, fiddling with one of his remote audio receivers, tinkering with it until the static disappeared, then reached for the next one, all the while grumbling to himself. Frenzy had gotten on his last nerve already. It took Barricade two hours to scrub the paint off (whatever the hell was in it was PERSISTANT) and the entire time, Frenzy had been hopping about, poking and prodding him, chattering incessantly, calling him Piggy, and generally making a nuisance of himself. Then he'd gotten flack about the bar-fight and 'cozying up to the fleshies' from Blackout, then, to make matters even more heavenly, they'd received transmission from space, an incoming Decepticon. They hadn't been able to clear up the signal enough to figure out who it was, or even how far they were away, but they'd spent a couple hours theorizing. The only high point of the day was when the three Earth-bound Decepticons agreed they hoped it wasn't Starscream and proceeded to make up sissy nicknames for him and speculating on ways they'd like him to meet his end._

_They agreed that 'getting dismantled by infant humans' was the best and most humiliating way._

_Actually, that had been sort of fun. But other than that there had been nothing but misery for the black and white Decepticon since he got back to base late last night. His planted audio sensors had all gone on the fritz at the same time, sometime in the mid-morning, which was suspicious in and of itself, but when he got them fixed, one by one, each of them told him a different story… out of one, he heard humans making orders for 'Big Macs', out of another he'd hear more of that horrid music he heard at the bar, the next spouted children screaming… it went on and on._

_He'd lost her. He didn't know how but he lost her._

_The human Malena couldn't have found them all… so Barricade concluded the Autobots must have swept her vehicle and cleaned it. What bothered him most was why they didn't make any move other than that… or were they? For all Barricade knew, they were tracking the signals right back to this base…_

_Paranoid Barricade was even worse than Bored Barricade._

_He'd started pacing and didn't stop until Blackout stomped in the room, giant body making the weak cement shake and crack beneath his feet. Barricade cared nothing for his size, the big Decepticon was a dolt. Brawn did not make up for brains and agility, which Barricade, in his own humble opinion, had in spades. Nevertheless Blackout liked to spend most of his time trying to look intimidating. It didn't work._

" _The holding cells are finished. All that's left is to pick them up."_

' _Finally! Some action!'_   _He thought, grinning internally… til a little problem re-presented itself._

" _Erm…." He hesitated. Blackout may be a dolt but he was extremely brutal at times._

" _What?"_

" _I… sort of… lost the Banes sisters." He mumbled._

" _WHAT?!"_

_Frenzy chose that time to skitter into the room and jump onto Barricade's splayed left leg. "Plan s-s-still work without them?"_

_Barricade shook his head. "It might, but it would be better to have ALL of the humans. The Autobot first lieutenant has a weakness for the younger Banes…" and that weakness could be worked to the Decepticon's advantage._

_He hated the desperate tone that infiltrated his voice at his next statement. "Somehow she or the Autobots ditched the sensors I put on her vehicle. We need to act, and act now if we want this to work. They may already have suspicions, and could be taking steps to put extra precautions into place."_

_Blackout nodded, still angry but placated. Frenzy patted Barricade's leg and chattered nonsensically before he could form a coherent sentence. "Who f-first, 'Cade?"_

" _Don't call me that."_

" _Cade Cade Cade!"_

_Blackout growled laughter while Barricade resisted the urge to flick his partner across the room just to hear him squeal._

" _The Witwickys."_

_Again, Blackout agreed. "They should not cause much of a problem." The older humans would not be able to escape, especially with Frenzy on guard._

" _Kill the rodent!" Frenzy cackled._

_Barricade ignored Frenzy completely "Then the Lennox female and infant. By then I will have located the Banes. We'll take them last."_


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> human vibrators and musicals

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: height statements are exaggerated a foot or so because 28 feet doesn't sound all that big and he seemed a hell of a lot bigger than that... sounds absolutely huge. 
> 
> and i still don't own anything but Malena... oh, and Hammond. but I give the movie 48 hours credit for giving me his name. lol

 

_ "How's my driving? 1-800-I'm-gonna-fkin'-die!" Hudson Hawk _

 

**(8)**

 

 

Since my sister more or less abandoned me, I was left to my own devices with the boys. They didn't mind, hell, they'd planned on keeping me all day anyway. So I found myself seated in Jazz, cruising happily behind Bee, headed towards the Autobot's temporary base, wondering what the hell was up with everyone. My sister up and leaving like that, Jazz acting so strangely, Mom… then there was the nervousness of facing the three other Autobots I'd told off a mere two nights ago. Prime always made me a little nervous, and now, hell, I didn't know whether or not he was pissed at me or if he'd do the 'turn the other cheek' thing like he always did (which always made me feel all the worse for telling him off). _Damned guilty conscience._ Even the streaming sunlight and the happy tunes pouring from the speakers didn't penetrate.

Jazz picked up on my tension, obviously. "Mikaela, ya sit there shakin' much longer 'n I'll have ta pull over."

_Huh?_

"I can feel ya through the seat."

 _Oh… OH! Oh shit, now I feel like a vibrator._  My cheeks flushed and Jazz busted out laughing. "Not like that, girlie. Just tickles."

_Just slam on the brakes and let me fly out the wind-shield. Please?_

For the next quarter mile I did my best to stop 'vibrating', but I just couldn't stop thinking about Autobot Vibrators and mid-traffic collisions caused by said Vibrators… the more I thought about it the harder I laughed.

"Good to see ya smile again, but you're only makin' it worse!"

That tore it. The dam broke, I couldn't stop laughing. I wished I had a tissue or something cause the tears were ruining my mascara (and it stung like a bastard), and Jazz didn't exactly come with Kleenex in his glove box.

My seat suddenly bounced, Jazz's way of showing 'irritation'. "Quit it." I could hear his mock-stern voice, but could  _feel_  the grin behind it. I tried to obey but it just wasn't working.

Five minutes later I'd settled down and the interior remained quiet… til I couldn't hold it in any longer.

"Bzzzzzzzzzzzz."

Jazz snorted and bounced my seat again.

 

 

 

We pulled up to the base, one of the many abandoned military air-fields, now with just one rusted out piece of crap hanger and some 'basic' (according to Ratchet) computer equipment and some bunks. Not much at all, but according to the government, 'they were working on it'. If they 'worked' at their usual pace, the Autobots would be stuck here til I had grey hair and saggy boobs. It was no wonder Bee spent most of his time at Sam's; at least there was grass and a heated garage for shitty nights.

Once we were under cover and Sam and I disembarked from our respective Autobot transport, they shifted to their bi-pedal mode, Jazz letting out a groan that wouldn't be misplaced in 70's porn. "Ooooooooh yeah…" and Bee stretching his arms high above his head and making happy noises I couldn't help but think were cute as hell.

It didn't matter how many times they transformed in front of me, it always held me enthralled til the very last clink of metal shifted into place. I almost wished I could record it in super high-def and play it in slow motion just so I could see where everything went. Especially the seats. Like, where did Bee's big soft leather seats go? It bugged the crap out of me but I wasn't about to go and ask.

Of course they noticed me and Sam staring in child-like wonder (again) and smirked. Bee, being the smart-ass he was, played West Side Story.

' _I feel pretty / Oh so pretty / I feel pretty and witty and_ …"

"Most definitely gay." Sam finished. Bee made to kick him and Sam ran off a few yards laughing. I was just too floored with Sam knowing ANYTHING from the West Side Story.

Jazz joined in, singing in his own voice, " _Have you met my good friend Mikaela, The craziest girl on the block? You'll know her the minute you see her, she's the one who is in an advanced state of shock_ …"

Before I could smack him one, a loud booming voice shook the room, very obviously irritated. "Will you PLEASE stop that slagging racket! There's mechs trying to recharge here!"

"Easy, Ironhide." Prime's voice floated out from some place unseen, trying to calm his Weapon's Specialist.

Sam's brow shot up. "It's the middle of the day!"

"He's just pissy cause we interrupted his beauty sleep." I grinned.

Jazz bent down and whispered, "He'd need a few centuries."

A low grumble was all the warning we had before something flew out of the other room, pegging Jazz off right between the eyes. His visor fell into place a second too late. "OW!"

"Dent him again and I'll rewire you to speak like a femme." Came Ratchet's usual threat. Ironhide just groused in Cybertronian and a second later another CLANK sounded. "And don't get lippy."

"Ugh." Optimus Prime strolled into the room, shaking his head at his Medic. "They've been at each other all morning." He said to nobody in particular. His gaze fell on Jazz rubbing his head and the empty can of compressed air now rolling between his feet. Then he shrugged. "At least it wasn't full."

Sam and I were giggling helplessly on the floor as he passed. He spared a glance down at us, but his optics narrowed as he focussed on me. "Ahh, good, they brought you."

_Eek._

"Yeah, she was holed up in a hotel with her sister n' terrorizing the locals. Took em out for breakfast first." Jazz piped up, standing beside his leader and grinning down at me. With two giant bots staring at me I felt about three inches tall… which wasn't far off the mark considering…

Optimus momentarily looked puzzled but he moved past it quickly. Gentlemanly as ever he reached down and helped me off my ass and onto my feet, and then did the same for Sam, asking, "Breakfast?"

There were certain words that just didn't sound right coming out of 3

0 foot Optimus Prime, and 'breakfast' was one of them. A couple of weeks back Sam and I spent a good hour thinking of other inappropriate words, mostly vulgar, and reminiscing over when he actually said "Oops, sorry, my bad," like a bubble-headed 16 year old cheerleader. We made a deal to try to get him to start cursing in English, but we hadn't figured out  _how_  yet. I was too chicken to ask Jazz or Bee for help too.

Jazz interrupted my thoughts by telling Prime about the 'Cockrider Incident', and even asked for my cell phone so he could show him pictures. I would have found it funny, watching Jazz reach up real high with my cell phone clutched between his fingers and Prime kneeling and bent so he could see, but I really wanted to run for cover… he'd definitely NOT approve of it.

Imagine my surprise when Sam told him the effect of hot pepper sauce on sensitive human parts (especially the eyes), and he laughed. Not something quiet either, it was like he couldn't hold it in any longer, just one big loud "HAH!" before he regained control of himself. "If what Bumblebee tells me of this human is true, he deserved it."

 _Wow. Prime's got a sense of humour! Go figure._ There seemed to be a lot about the great Autobot leader I didn't know. He even smirked when Jazz showed him a picture of Trent stomping away from his truck with a great cloud of pink sparkles trailing behind him.

"Who is this?" Prime asked, stopping Jazz from scrolling through the pictures. I wished I was a few dozen feet taller so I could see what or who they were looking at.

"Oh, man, you GOT to meet her." Jazz was practically bouncing.

I rolled my eyes. "Jaaaazz, don't get started."

Prime's curiosity was piqued. "Your elder sister, I assume?" He asked, offering me a hand, which I climbed onto and experienced the vertigo that normally happened when being lifted by Prime. Bee came up with Sam perched on his shoulder, nodding emphatically.

" _Hey sister, go sister, soul sister, go sister..."_

 _Lady Marmalade?_  "Cut it out, Bee."  _That song'll only give Jazz ideas._

Jazz went into this big long verbal squee about Malena, told him all about the prank and breakfast… "And then, get this, she threatened to slag us both." He finished with a laugh.

Prime's eyes got pretty big. "She threatened you?" He looked in disbelief at both Jazz and Bee.

I nodded, resigned. "Oh yeah."

Jazz smirked. " _I will fong you, until your insides are out, your outsides are in, your entrails will become your extrails!"_

I could almost hear her saying exactly that. "Knight's Tale. And she wasn't THAT bad."

"Damn."

"She sounds… interesting, to say the least." Prime admitted, standing up to his full height. "I hope to meet her."

 _Oh no. Optimus Prime and my sister in the same room?_  That brought about all sorts of visuals of her standing there with her neck craned wayyyyy back in awe, only to say something completely off-the-wall, or talking about guns with Ironhide, or harassing Ratchet just to make him get flustered…

I shook off the usual imagery, noticing finally that Prime was staring at me. I fumbled for words and came up with only "Huh?"

"Captain K here said he wants to talk witcha."

Prime growled something nasty-sounding in Cybertronian, casually lifted a massive arm and cuffed Jazz lightly upside the head, the loud crack of it echoing off the walls. If there wasn't the risk of me falling to my doom I just might have fainted in shock right then and there. Sam's jaw dropped low enough to fit a good sized toaster, but Bee just stood there squealing laughter.

"OW! Aww man, Ratchet's gonna kill me!" Jazz whined, fingering the new dent. It was true though,  _someone_  would face the wrath of Ratchet for this, and it certainly wouldn't be Prime.

Prime was already walking off with me still sitting uncomfortably on his hand, but he had the gall to say over his shoulder, "When he brings you back to life again ask him to check for glitches."

* * *

" _Blackout, report."_

" _I have the female and the infant and am on route back to the base."_

" _And the male, William Lennox?"_

" _Not there."_

" _Damage?"_

" _Minimal. That female has good aim."_

_Barricade laughed. "Awww, did the little meatbag hurt you?" Frenzy cackled at Barricade's fake sympathy._

" _Quiet or I'll give her gun back and set her loose on YOU!" Blackout snapped. "And anyway, how is YOUR mission going, piggy? Is it just my fritzed memory or were you not supposed to get the Witwicky's first?"_

_Barricade grumbled as Frenzy's maniacal chittering got worse. "Got delayed in traffic. Arriving at the Witwicky household now. Try not to kill your fleshies while we're gone."_

" _If this wailing child doesn't shut up soon I just might."_

" _Suck it up you big s-s-sparkling!"_

" _I may suffer permanent auditory damage if I don't get it out of me soon, it's almost worse than Starscream! I'm an astrosecond away from ejecting it and seeing if infant humans can fly." Then suddenly this horrible high-pitched cry filled Barricade's interior, causing both Decepticons to shout, then turn to sniggering again once they heard a human female in the background shouting and the dull thud of something solid hitting something metal._

" _Let me out of here you puffed up excuse for a lawn-mower! YOU HEAR ME!"_ _ **THUD.**_ _"Just wait til my husband gets here and shoves a cannon up your ass!"_ _ **THUD**_ _._

_Blackout cut off interior audio and spoke to them again. "She's been beating on me for half an hour already, not to mention the bullet holes…" He groaned miserably._

_Both Barricade and Frenzy paused for a moment. Then Frenzy spoke up, voice dripping with derision. "O-kaykay, sorry. Poor poor Blackie. We'll save you from the b-b-big scary fffffffleshies" Barricade swerved on the street, nearly hitting a light post hearing Blackout's growing fury over the comm-line._

" _DO NOT PATRONIZE ME!"_

" _Then quit whining and get back to base." Barricade shot back, then cut off communication just in time to avoid Blackout's full on raging cursing streak._

" _Blackout neeeeds to chill." Frenzy stated, tapping impatient pointy fingers on Barricade's dashboard. They were parked on the curb just in front of the house, and already had called attention to themselves. The front window coverings fluttered as one of the humans inside pushed them aside to look warily at him, so Barricade activated his hologram and looked down at his twitching partner._

" _Chill?"_

_Frenzy gave up on tapping his dash and went to clack away at his laptop (a 'welcome back from the dead' present that he made Frenzy promise he'd not tell Blackout about) but sputtered derisively "Look it up, I'm busy."_

_Barricade leaned over and took a peek. Tetris? "Busy my aft, just keep an eye out for Autobots."_

_Barricade's holoform stepped out of his interior, leaving Frenzy to guard (just in case some sick and twisted human got it in their mushy heads to desecrate his armour again). He decided to do this quietly, no need to attract the Autobot's attention so quickly by just bashing in the roof and grabbing the targets (Blackout's preferred tactic). He went with his standard 'moustache-man' police form, knowing that in a place like this it would be much more trusted than in the neighbourhood the Banes sisters lived in._

_He strode up the front driveway, hearing something yapping from the interior of the house and concluded it must be the rodent 'Mojo', and from that sound alone knew there was no way on Earth or Cybertron he would allow that creature to skitter about his interior. Frenzy was bad enough._

_He was met at the front door by a rather large human male, Samuel Witwicky's father, and the smaller human female who stood just behind him with the twitching mutt cradled in her arms like a sparkling._

' _Pretend you're an Autobot, pretend you're an Autobot'. He repeated to himself like a mantra, fingers twitching to just grab a hold of the nearest throat and squeeze. If it weren't for THESE two meatbags mating in the first place, his leader would still be alive._

_Plastering what he hoped was a friendly smile on his face, he greeted the Witwickys. "Good afternoon Sir, Maam. Is your son Sam present?"_

_The male groaned. "What'd he do this time officer?"_

_Success!_


End file.
